How to go out to eat...

Yes, this is a Yankees blog. But last night, I worked my serving job, and the people there were fantastic. They knew the proper etiquette of going out to eat and had it down so much, that I thought I'd pass along some tips I learned on my shift. Save this post for future reference.

So when should you go out to eat? You should definitely come out on these occaisons:

Restaurants obviously serve as the best setting in which to break up or fight with your significant other. The ambiance and atmosphere are perfectly suitable for awkward silence, screaming, fighting, bickering, yelling and kicking. The other restaurant patrons also particularly enjoy folks who do this.

Patrons also love waiting for tables, so it is essential you bring the largest book you have on the book shelf and bring it to the restaurant as soon as it gets busy. Come by yourself, and ask for the biggest table the restaurant has available. Sit there for hours. This is great for everyone.

Upon entering a restuarant, if it is busy, ask the hostess for how long the wait is. When told it is over an hour, take it upon yourself to find an open table and sit yourself. You shouldn't have to make reservations and if she can't do her job, then you should do it for her.



Always come in as CLOSE as possible to closing time, especially on weekends. If the restaurant closes at 11 P.M., come in at 10:58. The best possible way to do this is to wait outside the restaurant until you see the manager coming and locking the door. Just as he is about to lock it, walk in and ask for a table. Ask for a menu, and demand a well-done NY Strip Steak. While you are waiting for your steak to finish, ask for a dessert menu. Tell your server you will decide later when you are full.



If going out with your family, make sure your kids bring every technological device they have at their fingertips. You don't want them actually socializing with the family. If you have young toddlers, make sure you let them empty the sugar caddies, unscrew the tops of the salt and pepper, crawl all over the booths, yell, scream, throw and play with anything in front of them. this is key.

Bonus points when going out with your family: if you make sexual advances to your server in a a very obvious manner. It's also great if you wink at your server when asking for a dessert.

It's understandable if you don't want to go out to eat alone, and that's okay. But if going with friends, it is essential that you get seated at the restaurant without your complete party. Make sure when you go that you are meeting your friends there, and they have no idea how to get to the restaurant. Why you ask? This is because you need one of the servers to explain directions from wherever you are coming from. Servers love to do this.





When you arrive, demand that you order your drinks and entrees as you wait for your friends. This ensures that no one will get their food on time and you can spend optimum time at that table. It also ensures that your server will be coming back to your table a lot, so you can ask for more free water, bread, garlic, soup, salad, salad dressing, salt, pepper, ketchup, napkins, butter, hot water for silverware, and anything else you can think of.





Note: If the restaurant offers free soup or salad with entrees, make sure you go to town on this. In fact, screw your entree, you can take that home! Make sure to order ever kind of soup or salad that you can, and to pound down as many as possible. I mean, these soups and salads are F-R-E-E, FREE.



(Note: When ordering, it is paramount that you speak as quietly as possible. You don't want anyone else in the restaurant hearing your order, especially your server. He might tell someone, like the kitchen. Even better, make sure the person ordering has no grasp on the English language. Speaking in languages the server does not understand makes him or her confused and ensures your order's secrecy.)





Other tips on dealing with your server? Here are a few, if you are unfamiliar:

• Be extremely rude and condescending. Make sure he or she knows who is boss.


• Ask for separate checks, but only at the end of the meal when your server has brought you the singular check. This will enable you to stay at the table even longer to chow down on soup, salad and bread.


• When ordering drinks, since you are on a budget, order water with lemon and no ice. Demand that your server fill the glass to the top. Make comments like, "No hunny, the soda is too expensive." Servers are particularly excited to serve these kinds of tables.


• If you are ordering alcohol, think of the most obscure drink you can think of so that the bartender will have no idea what you are talking about.


• Keep your menu in front of you closed. When the server asks if you're ready, demand more time, give him/her a dirty look, and tell him/her you will order when you are good and ready and do not like to be rushed.


• Make sure to make a long list of things you need, and then tell your server the next thing you need only when he returns with the first item. Servers love going back and forth from the kitchen to your table. This is their favorite part of the job.


• If wearing urban attire, always follow up your sentences with the word "Yo." This is extremely classy and sophisticated, and the only way to conduct yourself in a restaurant.


• When ordering, modify the entree as much as possible. Ask for alfredo sauce instead of marinara, for beans instead of rice, for salmon instead of steak, for chicken instead of shrimp. Try to make up a new and exciting entree, and suggest that your version should appear on the menu.


• Never tell the server about your food allergies until your food comes. This gives you the perfect opportunity to insult your server and accuse him or her of trying to kill you.


• Inspect your food when it comes. Send it back if it is not up to par. Even better is if you forgot your order, and decided that you really wanted something else in the first place. This is the best time to let your server know that you changed your mind.


• When the new food comes, eat as much as you possibly can leaving only small pieces and crumbs. When asked by your server if you enjoyed your entree, ask to see a manager. Tell the manager you've never eaten such disgusting food, and that you demand this be removed from the bill. Take this opportunity to complain about the terrible service you've received tonight as well.


• When eating dessert, hang out as long as possible. This is the time to start spirited discussions about politics and life in general. Screw the people waiting for your table! You had to wait too... oh, wait. You didn't.

Once you've completed your meal and the bill comes, carefully inspect the separate checks. Tell your server you did not order something you did in the interest of only screwing with his or her head. When you are done looking at the check, don't pay it just yet. Leave the folder on the table. When the server comes back to see if you are ready to pay, just give your server a dirty look. When he reaches for the binder, snap it away from from him. It's your bill.

When you are ready to pay, make sure there is no gratuity. When leaving a tip, look at the first digit of the bill, and leave slightly less than that number. This is a great way to tip, especially when the bill is triple digits. Why would you leave a tip for something that you could do by yourself?

Once you've put the cash in the folder, quickly run out of the restaurant. Get in your car and pull away. You've now had a successful dining experience!

I hope this guide helps you on your future nights out at restaurants. Please let me know if I missed anything. Happy eating!